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June 27, 2012

Posted by -Rather Die Young; on June 27, 2012 at 7:50 PM Comments comments (21)

I need to start updating my blog and website more, like seriously. Well, I just spent three hours updating my website to my liking. This was the third time trying out this Site 3uilder and actually completing a website. The first two times I was just like, what the hell? And just left it alone. The only thing thats bad about the Site 3uilder is that you have to actually complete your website before you can actually say "Hey, thats really cute!" With the old site builder, you could just choose a theme, love it, and edit it from there. But change is inevitable, so I guess it doesnt quite matter. I do love the new layout though.

So lets see, how is my life going? Im going to divide this into subcategories so I dont get confused.

Summer School-Yes, I have summer school, but its NOT because i'm stupid. I ended the school year with a 4.1 GPA, thank you very much. But if you read my personal bio, you could see that I am in an Advanced Art Program called "Studio Art" My school has block classes, which means you have four classes a quarter, sixteen classes a year. Studio Art took up two of those blocks, so my schedule was basically overbooked. So this summer, I am taking Word/Excel (Easy as PIE) & Gym (Complete Hell) In summer school, i've basically made friends with all of the incoming freshman, since I have trouble making friends with anyone in my own class. So I can say I actually have friends, haha. But gym, oh my goodness, I just want to shoot someone while im in that class. It's not even that physically challenging, it's just the stuck up people inside of the class. Personally, i'd rather deal with boojie black people instead of stuck up white people. We understand you have money, we know you have the latest clothes and the most lenient parents. But dont sit up here and be a bitch to my friends. Its odd, I dont care what people do to me, but as soon as you start messing with the people around me, no matter who it is, i'm just ready to pop off. Ever since I was younger i've been like, the protectorate. I hate to see people bullied. But yes, there are alot of stuck up girls in my class, and they really bring out the evil in me. I mean, right now, I'm trying to be a good Christian. I'm not the best Christian yet, but i'm trying to get there. Those girls are a trial of my patience. I just have to get over it.

Boys-Well yea, my crush that I blogged about a couple of blogs ago? I am currently trying to get over him. This is why I dont like liking people. This is why I protect myself and shun every guy away. Because i'm tired of being led on. So yea, he started ignoring me out of nowhere. I follow him and have him added on nearly everything there is, and he always posts his texts and convos and stuff, so I know i'm being ignored. My thing is, if you dont want to talk to me, SAY SO. PLEASE, im BEGGING YOU. Dont have me try to be apart of your life, and then look like a fool because you dont want me in it. And dont freaking leave me on either. I am extremely hard to get mind you, I ignore nearly every pick up line, or whatever a guy throws at me. But he was different. The things he would say to me were not "Youre my de vez en cuando amigo" words, those were "Yo pienso me gusta Shannon" words. Yes, my Spanglish is kicking in, and I love it. But i'm currently getting over him, so it's all good.

Thats all I can think of for right now. So i'll blog later when I have more things to say. (:

May 16, 2012

Posted by -Rather Die Young; on May 16, 2012 at 1:05 PM Comments comments (0)

Well i'm sitting here in Biology ILT, trying to study for Spanish.  I already know what I didn't know on the test, well sorta.  But i'm still trying to study because I know as soon as the test gets in front of me, i'm going to have a brain fart and fail and die.  I fail at life and it's making me upset.

I just feel so empowered and angry at the moment. I basically have no confidence in myself.  I dont even feel like blogging but i'm doing it to pass time.  Maybe i'm feeling like this because im listening to One Blood (Original Version) by Game.  It reminds me of a black and white music video where you are about to fight somebody and you have to prepare yourself for the fight.  And the rest of the footage is you looking gangster while walking around in the hood. I'm surprised I like the original version better than the radio edit.  There is no awkward verse where the guy is like Blood-Blood-Bloo-Bloo-Bloo-Bloo-Blood. Yea, that. It's really awkward. The song just went off, and now im thoroughly confused with life.

I should really be studying for Spanish. Okay, stem changers. Perder-to lose. Poder-to be able to for. Probar-to try on, Pedir-to ask for, Pensar-to think. Thats all I need to remember basically. Lets review that. Perder is to lose. I know that for sure.  Pensar is to think? Pedir is crap I forgot and I just typed it. Pedir is to ask? Yes, Probar-to try on. Thanks Molly for showing that to me. 

I really need to learn these words, so i'm signing off. Wow, this had to be the most pointless blog I have ever written in my entire life. I'll add more blog worthy stuff to this later, since my life is falling in shambles again.

May 6, 2012

Posted by -Rather Die Young; on May 6, 2012 at 9:20 PM Comments comments (0)

Ohmygoodness, i'm actually writing a blog entry and it hasnt been like, two months, haha. So much has happened lately that has left me overwhelmed. Well, my mom and aunt's birthday were Thursday since they are twins and we sorta celebrated.  My mom chose her friends over me.....again. So, she skipped my art show that had art I made for her and other members of my familiy in it just so she could go smoke and drink. I mean, I know its your birthday, but my art show happens ONCE. You go out to drink and smoke with your friends constantly. Get your priorities straight please. You talk about how you are so sick and unwell, yet you can go and party with friends. Okay.

I dont even know why I even ask her to come to my events. She never comes.  She either is too sleepy, or doesnt feel like getting up, or "her legs are bothering her" Girl please, my aunt and grandmother are in way worse physical conditions than you are, and they make nearly EVERY function. Stop making excuses. You're my mother, you're supposed to be my number one supporter. I wonder what my life would be like if you didnt start doing drugs. You were such a great basketball player. Had your name in the papers, nearly got into the WNBA, you could have been something. Oh well. Isn't it cliche for talented athletes to throw their lives away with drugs? It's nothing new. Its in alot of movies and stuff.

Okay, that vent over.  But my art show went really well. I nearly cried looking at my art.  Studio Art was the only class that remotely kept me sane at school. It was my release. It also was great to notice my growthh as an artist. When we were doing pen&line design, I nearly mastered the concept in a couple of days. I'm no expert, but i'm sure as hell good.  Normally, it took my weeks to even know how to do some of the simplest art tasks. Just like with dance, I learn quicker, I've truly grown.

Lets see, moving on. This weekend was f'amazing. This is the first time I was truly in my heart happy with my life. It felt so good to smile and not know why. My cheeks were hurting so much this weekend; from joy, gratefulness, and shyness. Saturday was our Computer Gaming Competition. Our school was the only school that participated, so we won regardless. I already knew we would get second place, I didnt even get my hopes up. Our video game was sort of like Mario. The theme of the game had to be wind turbines. Ours was about a necklace that was stolen that controlled the wind turbines of all the land, and you had to  retrieve it to save the world. The other team was about recycling and building a wind turbine. I already knew since their video game was more green and eco-friendly based, they would win the heart of the judges. But check this, we all won iPads♥ I nearly screamed. I didnt care we got second place. The only thing that seperated first and second place was a trophy that said "first" and a trophy that said "second" Whoop de doo. We were all winners. No need for differentiation.

Then leaving the competition, I saw two GORGEOUS horses. Their names were Cody and Hannaka. They were the most majestic beauties I have ever seen in my entire life.  The riders allowed me to pet them. They were so soft it was unbelievable. I want a horse now♥ Cody tried to eat me because I still spelt like the fruit, bagels and pizza I ate at the competition. He was just too cute, I let it slide.

Then I went to see this dancing show performance thingy with my friend at our state Theatre. The performances were so inspiring and phenominal. They moved so fast, I usually missed half of the steps they did. I would just be sitting and be like "Wait, what just happened. Did he hop on a chair?" Anyway, I was totally inspired, and my passion for dancing and dream to become a choreographer strengthened.

Well, all great days come to an end, am I right? I did not know anything about the event, so I called my friend and asked her what I could possibly wear. She said that "it wasn't that serious, just dressy casual. Dress pants and a nice shirt would be acceptable" So i'm thinking "Okay, I have on black Corderoy (sp?) dress pants, a back turtleneck sweater and boots. This is dressy casual. So, it turns out its way more than a dressy casual event. People were dressed like they were ready to be judged by Jesus. My outfit was still acceptable, I just didn't look as fancy as some people there. Well my aunt called me spazzing out about my outfit because my grandmother exaggerated about my outfit, making me sound like I was about to go partying. So I was yelled at for that. I just let it go, I was still in a inspired mood.

Then my crush invited me to attend his Church today, and I've wanted to see him so badly as well as visit his Church because it looked like a Church I would possibly enjoy.  So I called my aunt, (since she is my legal guardian and is basically the mother figure in my life because my mother  is ill, mind you) and ask her if she would mind if I went. She starts yelling some more talking about "I always try to sneak around when she's not in town" and that "I have disrespected her" and "that she needs to speak to my grandmother because she didnt tell her anything"

So THAT is what ruined my night. First off, fooling around? I mean, come on, I am going to attend a Church for Christ's sake, not some frat boy tattoo sex party. The fact that she didnt even trust me to go to Church angered my soul. And my Grandmother had nothing to do with me wanted to go to my friend's Church. Leave her OUT of it. She did absolutely nothing. If my friend was a girl she probably would have let me go right away, but no, i'm going to a Church to fool around and be unholy with a guy. Because i'm just that kind of child I guess. I have a 4.0 GPA, hardly get in trouble, keep to myself, dont party, drink, smoke, have sex, have secret tattoo's or piercings etc. Yet, i'm going to Church to fool around. Peachy~

Well yea, I texted my crush to tell him I wouldn't be able to go. I was really expecting a "Oh darn, that sucks. Maybe next time" response, but he was like determined to convince my mom to let me go. It made me gush inside. So after letting him talk to my mother, and him being the charmer that he is, she finally lets me go. But she said I had to wear a dress, which I hated because I dont think I have the body for a dress, but its whatever.

Well yes, I went through this "i'mspazzingoutbecauseimgoingtogoseemycrushtomorrowomgomgomgomg" phase.  I took a bath, set out my black lace dress, cropped jacket, stockings, and dress shoes, flat ironed my hair, actually put on lotion, put on like twenty covers of deodorant because I knew I would be sweating profusely, brushed the hell out of my teeth, actually flossed, God knows why, used Listerine like twenty times, and sprayed myself with body mist. Yes, thats my "i'm going to see my crush" routine. I normally just shower, put on deodorant, put my hair in a neat bun, put vaseline on my knees and hands and head out the door because i'm not trying to impress anyone. But this was different. I havent had a legitimate crush since like the sixth grade. He is just that perfect, so talented, so nice. Omg, he is like one of the nicest people I know. God could'nt have carved such a perfect human.

Well yes, I was so happy that he actually wanted to see me as much as he wanted to I guess? Half of my conscience is saying "Shut up Shannon, he was being a friend and wanted you to see his Church" and the other half is saying "Shannon, he actually cares and shows like, 2% interest in you! Dont mess this up"  But Church was perfect. It was the first time I didn't even remotely want to fall asleep. He is such a good singer. I can tell he loves his Church. But yes, when I have a crush, i'm in "timid, self conscious, i dont want to talk" mode so I rarely said anything. I tried not to look directly at him, maybe past him when he was singing. I didn't want to make it obvious I wanted to stare at him.

But everyone at the Church was soooooo nice and welcoming, and I could tell they weren't faking because they were in Church. That was how they were with people. He introduced me to alot of his family members. Ohmygoodness, he has a beautiful family.  They all seem so welcoming and embracing and loving. I know all families have their ins and outs and secrets but they all just seemed so grateful and happy.  My family cannot even be in a room together without drama and fights starting. Public or not. I would most definitely attend their service again if my aunt let me. I actually enjoyed it (: And alot of people kept asking if we were dating.  I was still in shy mute mode, so I just disregarded it like a cough in the wind.

So this weekend, I won second place in a competition, won an iPad, petted two gorgeous horses, saw breath taking and inspiring performances, saw my crush♥ and i'm also getting my phone this week! Tomorrow most likely. That concluded the perfect weekend. And we have late arrival tomorrow. Life is good.

April 20th, 2012

Posted by -Rather Die Young; on April 20, 2012 at 10:55 AM Comments comments (0)

Everytime I make a blog entry, I always say that I will make my blog posts more consistent. Yet, they are not. So yea, alot has sorta happened in the past month.  April 15 was the one year anniversary of my uncles death.  He had cancer. I basically bawled my eyes out the entire day and the night before.  I don't even know why I feel so guilty.  Wait, yes I do.  I hardly spent any time with him.  While he was alive, I spent time avoiding him and ignoring him.  I never imagined he would be gone so fast, I really didn't get a chance to say goodbye. I sort of feel better though. When I went over my godmothers house, she told me that what helped her rest peacefully with her brothers passing was apologizing for all that she did. Well I tried that.

I was sitting in the living room, the commercials were on the television. I turned them down, being the only one alone in the house, and cried my eyes out.  I went to the corner of the room and pulled out the ern (sp?) will my uncles ashes, and just sat and talked to it. I told him how sorry I was and how much I missed him.  It actually came from the heart, and after I finished, it felt like weight was just lifted off of my shoulders.  Now, I hardly cry when I think about the situation.

On from that depressing stuff, lets move on. My Spring Break was okayish. goSupermodel is closing, which pissed me the heck off. I spent sooooo much money and time on that site. So much was wasted. It's whatever. I realized what terrible business people watAgame were. Well, I had to do alot of remodling on my site surprisingly; moving and deleting everything gSm related. The links page, editing the Roleplaying Characters, it took me an hour to change the entire Order Form around, mainly because my internet was very slow. But I dont even go on there anymore, since it closes next Tuesday. I decided to ween myself off of it while it was still up, instead of suffering and scrambling for a new website to get on right after it closed. Now i'm on deviantArt, i-dressup, Figment, Tumblr, Facebook, and a couple of other sites. All of those websites together take up alot of time, and I added nearly everyone from gSm on my FB anyway.

Well school is okay. I feel out of place sort of. I cant relate to anyone, we have nothing in common, and i'm starting to just distance myself away from everyone. I always feel like the odd one out.  Everyone seems to look at me with the crazy eyes. I just dont belong here. I'm not happy here. Why should my mom pay 15 grand a year for me to be someplace that I am miserable?

Well, I think I lost the person I could call a friend.  I once was friends with a girl at the beginning of the school year that I drifted away from for various reasons. I feel like listing some of them because this is my blog and i'm bored.

-She was extremely ignorant and disrespectful. She had no sense of respect for others peoples opinions, and all of her statements were rather judgmental, when she herself is in no place to judge anyone else in the entire world.

-I cant trust her. I told her one semi-secret. It was a personal statement, that I would prefer to be kept secret but if it got out, I dont care. So its a semi secret. Anyway, she told like five other people in less than a week what I told her. That showed me that I could not just tell her anything.

-She was an extremely bad influence. I dont drink, party, have sex or smoke. Just simply respect that. Dont come to me every day saying "We're gonna get high" or "Im going to get you drunk" Thats disrespecting me, my family's wishes, & my morals. Just accept no. God, youre like a hobo begging for chang. No means no damnit.

-A continuation of the morals thing, I am fourteen years old. Why in your crazy mind would you hook me up with a nineteen year old? You KNOW my morals, you knew that it would make me upset. Once again, respect my wishes. Dont try to push me into something I am uncomfortable doing. Respect the word "no"

-Other reasons that I will explain later.

Well yes, the girl who i'm still friends with talks about her like a dog. I dont even like her and I dont talk about her as badly as she does. But although she talks about her extremely badly, she still acts as though they are best friends. So I told her like "You can be friends with her, I dont care. But if you are talking terribly about her, and you act like your best friends, what about me? Are you being phony with me as well? What makes me believe that you can't be talking about me as well?"

She sorta became uncomfortable looking after that. I dont know if it's because I implied that what she was doing was phony, or if she simply didn't like my confrontation. She claimed she "didnt talk bad" she was "venting" Shoot, if what she was saying was venting, I feel EXTREMELY sorry for whoever she legitly talks bad about. Anywho, I told her to talk to me if she has to vent about something I do. I sense a difference between us now. Oh well, find out my true friends in freshman year.

Well, I have to go now. Lunchtime in school. Whoopy (;

March 15, 2012

Posted by -Rather Die Young; on March 15, 2012 at 10:40 AM Comments comments (0)

Oh my goodness. I did not realize how low its been since I blogged on here. It felt like such a little time ago, but it was actually before Christmas. Wow, time really seems to fly.

Well, school is going midway decent.  I'm starting to discover myself and my surroundings more than I could have imagined. I lost all of my friends from my new school. Well, I didnt quite lose them, I just realized what phony cunts they were.  I can see I am starting to get more and more like my aunt every day. I tolerate much less. I dont want to put up with all of the nonsense.

I am trying my hardest to not get into any drama. Although I dont like a majority of the people here, they seem to like me. So I really dont want to mess up whatever reputation I may have.  I guess because I'm a loner, its impossible for me to have a bad reputation here. At my old school, there was only 12 girls in the entire eigth grade class. 12 vs 92? Yea, big difference.

Well, I have a forward exchange studennt now.  I absolutely love the experience.  Her name is Yuh and we grow closer everyday. She's from Japan. She arrived on the 9th and leaves the 25th.  I have like, this huge motherly protection thing going on with her. I hate to leave her alone, I make sure she hands with the right people, and everything I do is revolved around her best interest.  Now if I am acting towards this towards a child Ive known for less than a week, imagine what would happen if I had my own child. I dont even want to think about it. I could never have my own child.

Actually, the fact that I am Yuh's hostess is what allowed me to see what dickwads my old friends were. As soon as someone comes in contact with another culture, they immediately become ignorant. Shes Japanese, shes not retarded. She bleeds like we do, she eats like we do, she speaks Japanese, not retard.  I didnt know that some of my own friends would judge me because I offered to be her hostess. "Ew, why would you even want her here? Shes from Japan. I dont want them here. Do they even speak English? There probably stupid. I heard their pictures were photoshopped"

Like no, shut up. Why judge someone you hardly even know? I cant believe I'm actually happier just being with Yuh, someone who is kind of hard to conversate with, opposed to people I've been hanging with the entire year.  Its absolutely crazy in my eyes. I'd rather be with someone who speaks little English, than be around people who use their English to be the phoniest assholes on the planet. Sorry.

Rakim and I are doing great.  He just completes my life. I could never ever be mad at him. Rakim and Nishayla, the only two people in the entire world I consider true friends. The people who were with me in my good times, and were there to cry with me in my bad times.  They have been in my life since day one-ish.  I met Nishayla in third grade. I dont even know how we grew to be so close. Its a complete mystery to us. She hated me, for some reason. I didnt even know her. We rarely talked then. Then in fourth grade, we started conversating a bit, fifth grade, she came over my house a couple of times, and sixth grade we were inseperable.  I want to see the day that we went from being just friends to best friends, practically sisters.  I can tell her absolutely anything, and dont have to worry about her going back to tell a soul.

And Rakim literally completes my life. I cant think of anyone else that can make me happier than he does.  His voice, his smile, his humor, he is just so perfect. I just wish my aunt would just let him be. I ~met~ him my sixth grade year. I had a Halloween party, and my close friend at the time let me talk on the phone with him. He lives in New York, and she visited New York like a week before my party, so I just assumed that they knew each other. So like, a month passes, and Rakim and I are already uber close. I then find out that she met him over Gaia.

So I'm like "Okay, I know this boy is not a pedophile. He's just an average fourteen year old boy" But my aunt thought different. "Pedophile, stupid little boy, 'What does he want to do with you anyway?'" Well sorry, i've been talking to him everyday for nearly three years. Three years as of October 27, 2012 <3 haha, but still. Get over it. I'm not letting him go. I REFUSE to let him go.

Well, since it is the Ides of March, I am going to dedicate this paragraph to my Grandfather, whose birthday is today.  I dont know how old you are Papa, or I didnt really even know you, but I knew you were marvelous.  I've heard so many negative things about you, but I refuse to believe them.  As far as I know, you treated me like I was a goddess. You loved me endlessly. You were one of the first to see me when I came out of the womb, and you were the only one who believed my mother when I had pretusses. If there was no you, there could possibly be no me.  You were a devoted businessman. Had his own printing corporation, and did whatever he could to help his family. Yes, you may have been mean. I heard you were mean, but I mean, who isnt mean? haha. But I feel as though I am the only one who misses you, or displays that she misses you, when I am actually the one that knows you the least.  I wish I was old enough to remember you. Your smell, your touch, your smile, because to me, you are just an unsolved mystery. I love you Papa, and Rest In Peace. Sometimes I just pray there is a God. I dont know who I am praying to while I pray, but I just pray to God that I hope He exists. I really want to go to heaven, and I really want to be able to see you one day. I want to be able to see you and Uncle Steve. I want us to be able to be one huge family. With no conflicts, no fights, just peace and familyness. Well, I love you. And hopefully i'll be with you soon. Not too soon, but soon.